work. work. plans.

Although it doesn't feel like summer outside, I have already found myself relatively bored on several occasions and I have already read 3 books and watched they entire first season of Lost online! I probably shouldn't complain about not having much to do, I have a feeling things are going to start getting really busy soon now that I have two jobs. 

I was very nervous about my first day at Starbucks but everyone was really nice and I had a lot of fun, not to mention the fact that we got time and a half! Waking up at 5:30am the next morning to be at Old Navy after getting off work at 1:00am from Starbucks wasn't as bad as I thought. I am however worried about next week when I have to be to Starbucks at 4:30am, It's 4:30 now and I'm not even tired, so somehow I am going to have to get myself on a better schedule if I'm going to be working mornings like that. 

Aside from work, things have been good. Although I hate to admit it because I feel I might curse myself my anxiety has been much better! I start physical therapy this Thursday for my back, which I am looking forward to to see what I should and shouldn't be doing. I have a feeling this summer is going to be pretty rough working a lot, probably having dad move, etc. But I really need to remember to take time to care for myself, I need to take better care of myself in general. I was stretching everyday for a while but I got out of that routine. I want to become more disciplined, have a morning and night routine with stretching, working out, relaxing, reading, praying, blogging, etc. (not to mention studying when school starts). I would like to be able to wind down before bed. I'm not sure how all of this will work out since my hours vary from week to week, maybe I will try my best now and set it more in stone when school starts up again. 

Self control and self discipline, those are two things I really need to work at, and also qualities I most admire in Leanne. I am so fortunate to have a best friend like her! I was going to blog about friendship but I think I will do it another time when I'm more focused. 

It's Always Something

Well, summer is here! I can' t complain a lot I feel that God has blessed me in many ways recently. My dad didn't end up leaving, I got the job at Starbucks, my anxiety has gotten better, I have just been feeling better in general. 

On the downside after several months of back pain today I went to my Dr. and she believes I have a herniated disk in my lower back, I have an MRI on Friday to confirm. I suppose its not that bad, surgery is not the first option I will just have to go through physical therapy. I do have to admit it hurts a lot more than I let on, and I let on that it hurts quite a bit. My Dr. gave me percicit (I am to lazy to Google the correct spelling) for the pain, I took my first pill an hour or so ago and still haven't felt a difference. Since I have had so much pain I had to call off which work isn't to happy about but hey, health comes first. 

So onto Starbucks. Today was an orientation type of thing. I am excited to start, I am nervous though, there are so many people that work there and I my self esteem isn't what it used to be. I think my biggest fear is how I will react to Severe Weather AKA thunderstorms during the summer. When I worked at Coldstone, since I was the manager I could just go home, I suppose it will be a "growing experience". The benefits of working there are awesome like the free pound of coffee a week! Which I personally wont' be enjoying anytime soon due to my anxiety (I'm trying to lay low on caffeine and sugars). They treat there staff really well and I think it shows, everyone always looks like they are having fun when they are working there. I can' t wait to officially start!

I have a lot of things I want to do this summer. I need to study for the Pre-RN Entrance exam (which I will do after this since I'm still not tired. . . . apparently ambien doesn't have an affect on me either). I want to learn to play the guitar, Leanne is going to help me with this one, I might also go to the library and pick up a book. I definitely want to work a lot Starbucks guarantees 20 hours a week and once I am trained I can pick up shifts at other stores. I want to read further in the bible and build a better understanding and relationship with God. I want to get into better shape (not just to look good but I think if I was in better shape maybe this wouldn't have happened to my back, also maybe it will give me more energy for all the things i want to do!). I want to spend more time with the Koprivers!! I miss them so much!! I want to work on making DVD's on the computer, since my camera has been broken I have been filming a lot of things which I think will be fun to look back at when Ryan and I are older. I want to make a film of Bella's first year for the Volpes too! I want to become more independent also, start doing my own laundry, learn more about the school loan process, make my own phone calls to insurance and such. I really want to help my parents out they deserve it! I'm so blessed to have them!! I want to volunteer! I want to cook more! I must have said I want 20 times in that paragraph, I want to grow I feel like I have a lot of growing to do this summer, not necessarily "growing up" just growing! 

I also want to blog more so this was good! 

Summer? Reflections. . . a sad blog

Well, tomorrow at 2pm I take my last exam of the semester. It doesn't feel like the semester should be over, I don't know a lot of things just don't "feel" like anything right now. I'm not sure how my grades are going to turn out, a lot happened towards the middle/end of the semester that hindered my concentration/ability to study, generally i wasn't so normal. I'm still not feeling much better. 

I was really upset in the shower today, not just because I have been having the worst back pain ever, but because I am so sick of it all, my anxiety. 

I can't remember a time when I wasn't anxious. When I had nothing holding me back. When I was really little I don't think I slept in my bed much, then I was afraid of being in the car with other people's moms, sleeping over at other people's houses (I still can't fall asleep at other people's houses unless I am dead tired and even then the only place I can usually fall asleep is Ryan's). 

Then I remember I could never go on field trips unless my mom came with me and even still I hated getting on the bus! During 4th grade I had a severe attachment to my mom so she had to go to class with me everyday, she would sit in the back of the class, I am so fortunate to have her as a mother. 

Then I was okay for a while, when we moved here I was nervous about flying but what kid isn't. I was actually doing well for a while, I still never really slept anywhere, or went somewhere without my mom taking me, or went on vacations, I just feel like I have constantly missed out on things. 

Senior year was terrible. All of a sudden my anxiety consumed me. I couldn't go to school, I couldn't be in the car with anyone else, I couldn't drive anywhere past ACME (which is down the road from my house), when I was in the store i would get really really nervous just standing in line! That christmas I had to write a list and have my mom do all of my shopping (how wonderful is she?). I missed out on so much of my senior year. I remember being so scared and feeling like such a burden my mom would come in and hold me while I'd cry and I'd think to myself I should just end it here, I'm glad I didn't because I have met some wonderful people since those days, though I have to admit the thought still crosses my mind everyday, if not more recently. 

I am sure things will get better, I am sure I will be back to normal for me, which still means missing out on so many things. I know it is hard for people to understand, they might think I'm not pushing myself hard enough, but I am, I hate not being able to do all these things I would love to jump in the car and go on a road trip with my best friend! Or go to WV with my fiance and his family for a weekend, but I can't. 

That was a lot of venting sorry if you read the whole thing. I should probably go to sleep. 

Catching up!

So much has happened since I last wrote. I should first maybe talk about my baptism and my surprise birthday party! 

My baptism, was a wonderful experience. I was stressed about it a little towards the end of the week, mostly falling all the way back into the water, thankfully Leanne showed me a helpful hint on how to bend back. I wasn't sure how I would feel after being baptized, other than cold (obviously) I knew that it was something I felt I needed to do, but I wasn't sure why. I have always had trouble accepting "god's love". I never felt worthy based on a lot of decisions I had made in past years, however, having a physical act to represent my faith and acceptance in God along with the "washing away" of my sins really affected me. I feel closer to God than before and more deserving of his love. Since being baptized I have tried to be more conscious about my actions, how I deal with situations, how I interact with others, what I can do to help, how not to sin. For now I have decided to abstain from sex, I am lucky to have Ryan's support with this decision. Although I am still fairly "uneducated" in the religious world, I am blessed to have Leanne, who is always there to help me, answer my questions, keep me in check :) Thank you Leanne! I am really looking forward to our relationship becoming more spiritual, and faith oriented. 

My Birthday was also wonderful. I had been down most of the week since my dad was leaving a week after my birthday. I had also sort of forgotten that it was my birthday since my baptism was taking center stage in my thoughts. The night before my birthday I asked Ryan if we could go to target to pick out my presents (He lets me pick out my own). I told him I wanted to go at night instead of after my baptism as we originally planned incase my parents wanted to go out to dinner or something, he said we would be doing something after but wouldn't tell me what, then I guessed we would be going bowling. 

So after my baptism Ryan, his mom, my dad and I went bowling, my mom didn't come cause she had an "interview". When we got back to my house after bowling (which was a blast!) there were balloons on the mailbox and cars all over, I saw one of my best friends from High School walking up my driveway and started getting excited. I walked in the door and all of our friends and family were there, the house was decorated, there was food set out, it was the best gift! I started hugging people, which led to my crying (I'm not sure why I've become so emotional in recent months/years). Then Devin and Katelin gave me a lifetime supply of Tea, Reese's and Sour string candy, they are crazy and I love them! My parents gave me luggage stuff, which initially freaked me out because I thought they were sending me a "hidden message" and Ryan's parents got me Cornhole, which I Love but still suck at. So that was an amazing night. The days after weren't so good though. . . 

I started having really bad panic attacks which my doctor said was probably due to stress of school and my dad leaving, so I spent a lot of time worried or sleeping. The great news was on Friday morning, the day before he was going to leave my dad decided not to take the job in Iowa! I of course cried and called Leanne and Ryan. I am excited he is not going yet, I know he will probably end up having to take a job somewhere out of town, but I'm glad there is still a chance he might stay around here! 

So it has obviously been an emotional roller coaster, I have felt a lot better about things with prayer though, lifting things up to god and not worrying about them so much is getting a little easier. This week is going to be intense I have a lot of stuff to do for school, as does Ryan, but after it is over all we have to do is work, work, work! Hopefully I will be hearing from Starbucks this week!! 

It is 4:20am, I should go to sleep, lots of studying to get to!  If your made it this far thanks for reading!!

Amazing Birthday

Today was amazing. I was baptized by my best friend then my parents and fiance threw me a surprise birthday party. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful day. I will write more later but I am pooped! 

Sad Day

It's official my dad took the job in Iowa. I have so much to say about this but right now my eyes are so swollen from crying I'll have to do it later.

What signs mean. . .

Tonight I was talking to Andy and Zodiac signs came up, he was telling me how true his was for him. He had me very curious so as soon as I got home I got online and googled mine. Here are some of the things I found. . . 

Earthy, grounded, in touch with the body; sensual, pleasure seeking; stubborn, fixed, stands their ground; focuses and concentrates energy, gives it concrete expression, practical, provides stamina and persistance; slow, steady, methodical; fertile, productive; unreflective, content to simply be; spirit becoming involved with the material world.

Here is another one that seems as equally wrong as it is right, most of the wrong points have to do with money. . . apparently as a Taurus I should be better with it :)

I decided to put the true things in bold. . . 

Taurus is the second sign of the zodiac and is represented by the bull. Partnerships and relationships are very important to you, more than anything else. You may stay in a relationship that is not really suitable because you don't like to be alone or you are concerned with what your family thinks. You need a structured family life and may wait until this is possible, meaning you marry late in life. Physically you will be inclined to have a rounded shape, which will be most noticeable of your shoulders, and this is particularly the case if you are female. Taurus is associated with the throat and this means you may be prone to throat or voice problems. With a Taurus Sun you are cautious, strong-willed and possessive which means you like to hold onto things, including money. You like to create beautiful surroundings for yourself and have a liking for all things luxurious, particularly food and drink. This love of good food and drink makes you an excellent cook. Although you are motivated by your feelings you are also plain speaking and see everything as black or white. Despite the problems this may cause, you make a loyal and faithful partner or friend. You are emotional and sensitive but your love of ease and a reluctance to take risks can make you lazy at times. However, your steady character makes you reliable and practical with a natural ability for business or anything involving money. You are placid and at times stubborn as you do not appreciate change. Your resistance to change means your life can easily become dull and routine, but you become increasingly obstinate if change is forced on you. Controlling this obstinacy and possible excesses or overindulgence is key to the development of your character.