Should I be So Deserving

work. work. plans.

2008-05-28T03:43:00.002-05:00

Although it doesn't feel like summer outside, I have already found myself relatively bored on several occasions and I have already read 3 books and watched they entire first season of Lost online! I probably shouldn't complain about not having much to do, I have a feeling things are going to start getting really busy soon now that I have two jobs.

I was very nervous about my first day at Starbucks but everyone was really nice and I had a lot of fun, not to mention the fact that we got time and a half! Waking up at 5:30am the next morning to be at Old Navy after getting off work at 1:00am from Starbucks wasn't as bad as I thought. I am however worried about next week when I have to be to Starbucks at 4:30am, It's 4:30 now and I'm not even tired, so somehow I am going to have to get myself on a better schedule if I'm going to be working mornings like that.

Aside from work, things have been good. Although I hate to admit it because I feel I might curse myself my anxiety has been much better! I start physical therapy this Thursday for my back, which I am looking forward to to see what I should and shouldn't be doing. I have a feeling this summer is going to be pretty rough working a lot, probably having dad move, etc. But I really need to remember to take time to care for myself, I need to take better care of myself in general. I was stretching everyday for a while but I got out of that routine. I want to become more disciplined, have a morning and night routine with stretching, working out, relaxing, reading, praying, blogging, etc. (not to mention studying when school starts). I would like to be able to wind down before bed. I'm not sure how all of this will work out since my hours vary from week to week, maybe I will try my best now and set it more in stone when school starts up again.

Self control and self discipline, those are two things I really need to work at, and also qualities I most admire in Leanne. I am so fortunate to have a best friend like her! I was going to blog about friendship but I think I will do it another time when I'm more focused.

It's Always Something

2008-05-14T01:38:00.001-05:00

Well, summer is here! I can' t complain a lot I feel that God has blessed me in many ways recently. My dad didn't end up leaving, I got the job at Starbucks, my anxiety has gotten better, I have just been feeling better in general.

On the downside after several months of back pain today I went to my Dr. and she believes I have a herniated disk in my lower back, I have an MRI on Friday to confirm. I suppose its not that bad, surgery is not the first option I will just have to go through physical therapy. I do have to admit it hurts a lot more than I let on, and I let on that it hurts quite a bit. My Dr. gave me percicit (I am to lazy to Google the correct spelling) for the pain, I took my first pill an hour or so ago and still haven't felt a difference. Since I have had so much pain I had to call off which work isn't to happy about but hey, health comes first.

So onto Starbucks. Today was an orientation type of thing. I am excited to start, I am nervous though, there are so many people that work there and I my self esteem isn't what it used to be. I think my biggest fear is how I will react to Severe Weather AKA thunderstorms during the summer. When I worked at Coldstone, since I was the manager I could just go home, I suppose it will be a "growing experience". The benefits of working there are awesome like the free pound of coffee a week! Which I personally wont' be enjoying anytime soon due to my anxiety (I'm trying to lay low on caffeine and sugars). They treat there staff really well and I think it shows, everyone always looks like they are having fun when they are working there. I can' t wait to officially start!

I have a lot of things I want to do this summer. I need to study for the Pre-RN Entrance exam (which I will do after this since I'm still not tired. . . . apparently ambien doesn't have an affect on me either). I want to learn to play the guitar, Leanne is going to help me with this one, I might also go to the library and pick up a book. I definitely want to work a lot Starbucks guarantees 20 hours a week and once I am trained I can pick up shifts at other stores. I want to read further in the bible and build a better understanding and relationship with God. I want to get into better shape (not just to look good but I think if I was in better shape maybe this wouldn't have happened to my back, also maybe it will give me more energy for all the things i want to do!). I want to spend more time with the Koprivers!! I miss them so much!! I want to work on making DVD's on the computer, since my camera has been broken I have been filming a lot of things which I think will be fun to look back at when Ryan and I are older. I want to make a film of Bella's first year for the Volpes too! I want to become more independent also, start doing my own laundry, learn more about the school loan process, make my own phone calls to insurance and such. I really want to help my parents out they deserve it! I'm so blessed to have them!! I want to volunteer! I want to cook more! I must have said I want 20 times in that paragraph, I want to grow I feel like I have a lot of growing to do this summer, not necessarily "growing up" just growing!

I also want to blog more so this was good!

Summer? Reflections. . . a sad blog

2008-05-07T23:59:00.003-05:00

Well, tomorrow at 2pm I take my last exam of the semester. It doesn't feel like the semester should be over, I don't know a lot of things just don't "feel" like anything right now. I'm not sure how my grades are going to turn out, a lot happened towards the middle/end of the semester that hindered my concentration/ability to study, generally i wasn't so normal. I'm still not feeling much better.

I was really upset in the shower today, not just because I have been having the worst back pain ever, but because I am so sick of it all, my anxiety.

I can't remember a time when I wasn't anxious. When I had nothing holding me back. When I was really little I don't think I slept in my bed much, then I was afraid of being in the car with other people's moms, sleeping over at other people's houses (I still can't fall asleep at other people's houses unless I am dead tired and even then the only place I can usually fall asleep is Ryan's).

Then I remember I could never go on field trips unless my mom came with me and even still I hated getting on the bus! During 4th grade I had a severe attachment to my mom so she had to go to class with me everyday, she would sit in the back of the class, I am so fortunate to have her as a mother.

Then I was okay for a while, when we moved here I was nervous about flying but what kid isn't. I was actually doing well for a while, I still never really slept anywhere, or went somewhere without my mom taking me, or went on vacations, I just feel like I have constantly missed out on things.

Senior year was terrible. All of a sudden my anxiety consumed me. I couldn't go to school, I couldn't be in the car with anyone else, I couldn't drive anywhere past ACME (which is down the road from my house), when I was in the store i would get really really nervous just standing in line! That christmas I had to write a list and have my mom do all of my shopping (how wonderful is she?). I missed out on so much of my senior year. I remember being so scared and feeling like such a burden my mom would come in and hold me while I'd cry and I'd think to myself I should just end it here, I'm glad I didn't because I have met some wonderful people since those days, though I have to admit the thought still crosses my mind everyday, if not more recently.

I am sure things will get better, I am sure I will be back to normal for me, which still means missing out on so many things. I know it is hard for people to understand, they might think I'm not pushing myself hard enough, but I am, I hate not being able to do all these things I would love to jump in the car and go on a road trip with my best friend! Or go to WV with my fiance and his family for a weekend, but I can't.

That was a lot of venting sorry if you read the whole thing. I should probably go to sleep.

Catching up!

2008-05-04T02:58:00.004-05:00

So much has happened since I last wrote. I should first maybe talk about my baptism and my surprise birthday party!

My baptism, was a wonderful experience. I was stressed about it a little towards the end of the week, mostly falling all the way back into the water, thankfully Leanne showed me a helpful hint on how to bend back. I wasn't sure how I would feel after being baptized, other than cold (obviously) I knew that it was something I felt I needed to do, but I wasn't sure why. I have always had trouble accepting "god's love". I never felt worthy based on a lot of decisions I had made in past years, however, having a physical act to represent my faith and acceptance in God along with the "washing away" of my sins really affected me. I feel closer to God than before and more deserving of his love. Since being baptized I have tried to be more conscious about my actions, how I deal with situations, how I interact with others, what I can do to help, how not to sin. For now I have decided to abstain from sex, I am lucky to have Ryan's support with this decision. Although I am still fairly "uneducated" in the religious world, I am blessed to have Leanne, who is always there to help me, answer my questions, keep me in check :) Thank you Leanne! I am really looking forward to our relationship becoming more spiritual, and faith oriented.

My Birthday was also wonderful. I had been down most of the week since my dad was leaving a week after my birthday. I had also sort of forgotten that it was my birthday since my baptism was taking center stage in my thoughts. The night before my birthday I asked Ryan if we could go to target to pick out my presents (He lets me pick out my own). I told him I wanted to go at night instead of after my baptism as we originally planned incase my parents wanted to go out to dinner or something, he said we would be doing something after but wouldn't tell me what, then I guessed we would be going bowling.

So after my baptism Ryan, his mom, my dad and I went bowling, my mom didn't come cause she had an "interview". When we got back to my house after bowling (which was a blast!) there were balloons on the mailbox and cars all over, I saw one of my best friends from High School walking up my driveway and started getting excited. I walked in the door and all of our friends and family were there, the house was decorated, there was food set out, it was the best gift! I started hugging people, which led to my crying (I'm not sure why I've become so emotional in recent months/years). Then Devin and Katelin gave me a lifetime supply of Tea, Reese's and Sour string candy, they are crazy and I love them! My parents gave me luggage stuff, which initially freaked me out because I thought they were sending me a "hidden message" and Ryan's parents got me Cornhole, which I Love but still suck at. So that was an amazing night. The days after weren't so good though. . .

I started having really bad panic attacks which my doctor said was probably due to stress of school and my dad leaving, so I spent a lot of time worried or sleeping. The great news was on Friday morning, the day before he was going to leave my dad decided not to take the job in Iowa! I of course cried and called Leanne and Ryan. I am excited he is not going yet, I know he will probably end up having to take a job somewhere out of town, but I'm glad there is still a chance he might stay around here!

So it has obviously been an emotional roller coaster, I have felt a lot better about things with prayer though, lifting things up to god and not worrying about them so much is getting a little easier. This week is going to be intense I have a lot of stuff to do for school, as does Ryan, but after it is over all we have to do is work, work, work! Hopefully I will be hearing from Starbucks this week!!

It is 4:20am, I should go to sleep, lots of studying to get to! If your made it this far thanks for reading!!

Amazing Birthday

2008-04-26T01:00:00.001-05:00

Today was amazing. I was baptized by my best friend then my parents and fiance threw me a surprise birthday party. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful day. I will write more later but I am pooped!

Sad Day

2008-04-12T00:45:00.001-05:00

It's official my dad took the job in Iowa. I have so much to say about this but right now my eyes are so swollen from crying I'll have to do it later.

What signs mean. . .

2008-04-02T00:49:00.006-05:00

Tonight I was talking to Andy and Zodiac signs came up, he was telling me how true his was for him. He had me very curious so as soon as I got home I got online and googled mine. Here are some of the things I found. . .

Earthy, grounded, in touch with the body; sensual, pleasure seeking; stubborn, fixed, stands their ground; focuses and concentrates energy, gives it concrete expression, practical, provides stamina and persistance; slow, steady, methodical; fertile, productive; unreflective, content to simply be; spirit becoming involved with the material world.

Here is another one that seems as equally wrong as it is right, most of the wrong points have to do with money. . . apparently as a Taurus I should be better with it :)

I decided to put the true things in bold. . .

Taurus is the second sign of the zodiac and is represented by the bull. Partnerships and relationships are very important to you, more than anything else. You may stay in a relationship that is not really suitable because you don't like to be alone or you are concerned with what your family thinks. You need a structured family life and may wait until this is possible, meaning you marry late in life. Physically you will be inclined to have a rounded shape, which will be most noticeable of your shoulders, and this is particularly the case if you are female. Taurus is associated with the throat and this means you may be prone to throat or voice problems. With a Taurus Sun you are cautious, strong-willed and possessive which means you like to hold onto things, including money. You like to create beautiful surroundings for yourself and have a liking for all things luxurious, particularly food and drink. This love of good food and drink makes you an excellent cook. Although you are motivated by your feelings you are also plain speaking and see everything as black or white. Despite the problems this may cause, you make a loyal and faithful partner or friend. You are emotional and sensitive but your love of ease and a reluctance to take risks can make you lazy at times. However, your steady character makes you reliable and practical with a natural ability for business or anything involving money. You are placid and at times stubborn as you do not appreciate change. Your resistance to change means your life can easily become dull and routine, but you become increasingly obstinate if change is forced on you. Controlling this obstinacy and possible excesses or overindulgence is key to the development of your character.

Perhaps I was insensitive

2008-03-20T03:31:00.003-05:00

I can't sleep, because when it rains my knee hurts. I know I'm like a 60 year old lady. I'm really excited because I work in a few hours. I'm excited because I was able to pick up a shift. Ryan has been picking them up left and right and I feel guilty. I think before or after work I am going to go to Starbucks to see who I should contact about my application.

Hopefully I can get a job there I'd love to work there! Plus I am going to need a lot more hours in the summer for our "debt plan" to work, and I don't know if Old Navy could do that.

Anyway Spring break has been all but productive, I haven't worked, I haven't really studied, but I sure have slept a lot. I don't think I sleep a whole lot more than everyone else, I think I just sleep at different times than everybody else. I just have so much trouble getting my body to sleep at night, even if I hadn't napped all day!

Anyway to the title topic. I went to Andy's ( my one A&P lab partner) house to study. We really didn't get a lot of studying done, his sister came home early to surprise the family so we hung out with them for a while, they ordered pizza, etc. Then we watched Big Brother because he said he wanted me to see it (he's been bugging me to watch it for weeks). When we hang out in his room to study and such we sit on his bed together because there isn't a whole lot of furniture to sit on. When I was telling Ryan this I didn't realize how it might bother him, thinking about it, the whole situation would probably bother me if he did it.

It's not that I like Andy. I mean not like that, I do like hanging out with him because he reminds me of all my old guy friends, which I do miss. However, it wasn't until tonight I really realized how much hanging out with him, and my talking about him bothered Ryan, so I've decided to stop doing it. The last thing I would want would be for Ryan to have to stress out because he thinks something is going on. If Ryan made me choose I would obviously choose him, he's my life, I love him to death, we're each other's "one".

Well I suppose I should try to get at least another hour of sleep, which not to be a downer, probably won't happen.

blogging = bitching?

2008-03-16T03:29:00.002-05:00

I have realized a lot of my blogs are me complaining about things. Which is a terrible misinterpretation of my life since I love my life. I also realize it seems like I have low self esteem which has lately led me to believe I actually do have low self esteem (which I am working on).

While on this topic today when we were all playing cards Matt said he wanted to switch partners, and I kept making dumb mistakes, plus I hardly ever win any game we play. Anyway at one point in the night when Ryan and Matt were jokingly picking on me I started to tear up. I realize now its because I have really been questioning my intelligence lately.

I'm not exactly sure why, I think it I was feeling this way but when my Anatomy group all went to the smoothie place after class the other day someone asked what our grades were. Andy went around telling everyone and said "an she has an F". It was after lab, which during lab everyone learned the arteries right away no problem! It baffles my mind how everyone can focus on things so easily and learn things so quickly. I have been questioning not only my intelligence but also my career choice, I am beginning to wonder if I'm smart enough to be a nurse.

I was telling Ryan how I don't fell smart enough and he told me I should study more. The problem is when I study nothing seems to sink in! My mind constantly wanders.

Tonight Ryan, Matt and I were talking about lots of things, and meditation came up, which is something Matt does daily. I asked him about it and when I got home I looked it up. I found a cool article I attached. I think I am going to try doing that in order to help clear my mind to maybe focus better.

I'm an addict

2008-03-13T00:50:00.002-05:00

I'm not sure if there are SA meetings for people who are addicted to shopping or SP meetings for people who spend, but I wish there were.

Today I went to Target to get a board game, because a lot of them were advertised at $10. We had a fun game "on loan" from a friend of Leanne's (I'm not sure the person knew we were all playing it). So since we were all enjoying it so much I decided I should get it. Only when I found that game it was $30, so I passed on it. I then went to the clothing department, which sounds bad, but usually I end up trying a lot of stuff on, and only 1-2 things will fit, If I am lucky.

Anyway, if you shop at Target like I do you are familiar with the fact that every few months they feature a new designer, and only cary a limited amount of clothes from that person. Well, I found 3 really cute things and two of them fit so perfectly when I tried them on that I decided I must have them, plus they were the only one's left in my size! I didn't even look at the prices, I just got to the checkout counter and slipped in my debit card (you know that fancy machine Target has for even quicker checkout). I spend $70! $20 over my biweekly budget!!

Ryan and I decided we should be on a budget, well mostly Ryan but I agreed anyway it's $50 every 2 weeks, for everything. Which I will admit when I think about it rationally isn't bad at all since; I live at home rent free with access to all the food I want, my parents pay for my gas, my parents pay for all my prescriptions and Dr.. co-pays, my parents pay for my car insurance, basically everything I need, not to mention they give me $20's every so often just because, though I always do put up a fight about it.

It has been hard though. I understand completely why Ryan decided we needed to do this. I also know it's more for me than it is for him. Spending is something I need to get under control before we get married. I have gotten used to getting whatever I want, hence the thousands of dollars in debt I'm in, which Ryan is helping pay off. It took me a lot of time to accept his help, and I still feel guilty.

I thought at first that getting a joint bank account would help me spend less since I would feel guilty that I was spending his money too. I did feel guilty at first, I don't know why I don't anymore. Especially since I haven't been abel to work as much with my anxiety.

Anyway I was having trouble deciding which item to keep so I showed them both to Ryan, his mom and Ann and they ended up having different opinions, so when I came home I showed them to my mom who said she would buy the dress for me. I know that I'm supposed to be "learning" how to not get what I want, but I am really excited about this, plus I know it's not something that will happen often!

I just wish I didn't feel such a need to have so much. I wish I could be happy with what I have, I am not sure why I'm this way, my parents never raised me to be spoiled. Like I've been watching Quarterlife online. They all have Mac's, new Mac's with the built in cameras, and now all I can think of is how I want a new Mac with a camera built in, or iSight for my Mac.

I was watching some show on TV the other day and they were advertising this book called "I can't afford to marry you" about a girl who is basically in my situation who's fiance decided months before their wedding that he couldn't marry her because of her spending (He wasn't aware of this before hand, which I don't understand). Anyway the book is about how she got everything back on track and learned how to budget and deal with less. Only technically I can't afford the buy the book!

On a good note I just downloaded this new CD I wanted for free and yes, it was legal :) :)

Baby It's Cold Outside

2008-03-09T02:27:00.009-05:00

I hate to jinx it but things are going really well. I thought the snow storm was going to make me really anxious but it didn't. I stayed home all day because my parents told me they didn't want me out in the snow and told me I wasn't allowed out (I haven't heard that in years). So pretty much stayed in my room studied and cleaned, it wasn't terrible I suppose. Ryan had offered to come over but I told him not to because I didn't want him to be out since his car doesn't have 4WD.

Then later I gave him a hard time about not coming over but I was just kidding. So i started outlining chapter 18 in my A&P book and sent him a text message saying not to worry about it but how it was weird cause it was the 1st time I wouldn't see him in a long time (I know we are pathetic and see each other every day), then he sent me a text message that said "Open your door its cold" :). so we played in the snow, which was fun, we really wanted to build a snowman but it wasn't packing snow. . . maybe tomorrow. I am really glad that things are better. I am also glad I have such wonderful friends and family to help me through hard times like that, who are there for me even though they don't understand what's really going on.

Not much better. . .

2008-03-05T17:11:00.003-05:00

Well it's Wednesday and I'm not really feeling all that much better. I went to the chiropractor yesterday so my back is feeling a little better, but it still hurts to do almost everything! My ear still feels funny which I think might be making things worse. I haven't been hungry at all (which is very odd). I decided I had to eat since when I got up off the floor after drying my hair I got dizzy and things were spinning.

I am laying on my bed right now I just got done e-mailing my professor explaining why I left class early Tuesday and why I might not make it to lecture tonight. I miss hanging out with friends but I'm too nervous to go out. Ryan is laying next to me which is so nice! I am so lucky that he has been so understanding through all of this. I can tell its bad because I got a magazine from Journey's today and there was a pair of shoes I really want (I need new shoes for work) and I'm too nervous to go out and look to see if they are there. Me not shopping and eating is kinda crazy. My head still constantly hurts more my sinuses I guess.

My doctor said I could up my dose of my medication, yesterday was the first day and I haven't yet noticed a difference. I work tomorrow and even though I made it through work on Monday I'm nervous to go tomorrow. I suppose I should finish getting ready to attempt to go to class. . . Hopefully I can at least make it through lab!

It's Back. . . and this blog is long!

2008-03-03T03:48:00.004-05:00

Well. Though I am officially off Paxil and sleeping pills, my anxiety has come back.

I am on another medication for my anxiety but I am not quite sure it is working. I have been feeling anxious on and off for the past month but I didn't want to ask to up my dose so I have been trying to "deal with it".

Then Friday came along. I was supposed to watch Jack and I was really excited about it. Then I woke up and my ear was bothering me so I went to stat-care, I hate when things are wrong with my ears. The thought of going made me nervous so I threw up a few times before I went. I was shaking most of the way there and tried to call Ryan to ask him to meet me there, but I couldn't get ahold of him right away. So I got inside and signed in and everything then resided in the bathroom while checking to see if they had called my name ever so often. I kept throwing up or going to the bathroom. I was texting Ryan from the toilet while sitting on the floor, then Leanne texted me to see if I wanted her to come, but Ryan had finally gotten a hold of me. I was in the bathroom almost constantly until my name was called. When I wasn't in the bathroom I was sitting down "freaking out" there really isn't a better way to put it. I was having a full blown panic attack, which isn't something I have dealt with since my senior year of high school. I remember when they did call me back the nurse was really nice but my heart rate was really high! The doctor came and saw me quick and told me what was wrong then it took around 10 minutes to get the prescription, but while sitting in the room waiting I was freaking out again, I just wanted to leave, I needed to escape!

Finally we left. Ryan was nice enough to take my prescriptions to get filled so I could go straight home. On the way home I did a 360 in the Jeep, which didn't even phase me because i was freaking out about something else, what that something else was I'm not sure.

When I walked in the door I dropped all my stuff looked at my mom and started bawling!!! She probably thought they told me I had cancer or something. I was shaking and I felt so helpless, I can't remember the last time I felt that way. I just went upstairs and cried and my mom came up and held me and told me it was just my medication and we would get everything worked out. I was just so scared to feel this way again, I had forgotten how awful this feeling was. I can't imagine how I dealt with it back then, having panic attacks like that almost everyday. I remember sitting in front of the toilet thinking how I wished I was dead (even though I love my life so much)! I had to eat something so I could take my medication so I had a slice of banana and could barley keep that down then I decided to take a bath which relaxed me a lot so I could fall asleep.

In the mixed of all this I called my Dr. and asked for something anything that might help me get through the weekend. They said they would call it in at the end of the day which upset me because I wanted it then but I said okay. I guess my mom called while I was in the bath and when I woke up she gave me the pills they had ordered :) I love my mom! I asked Ryan if he minded calling off to stay with me for the day and he said he didn't, so we spent most of the day lying in my bed or playing cards.

Later at night we rented movies and Ann came over for a while. Ryan stayed until I fell asleep that night. I am so glad he was there for me that day, It was nice to not completely depend on my mom, though I was glad she didn't leave the house all day either.

The next day was okay. We all met for lunch with Kristen but before that I went to ON to get her a gift. When I was leaving Leanne was going on her lunch so I sat in her car with her for a while, which really calmed me down for some reason. I have really missed her. She has been hanging out with a lot of people from Malone which I know means a lot to her but it kinda makes me sad in a sense that I feel like I've been "dropped". I guess I can't hold it against her though, I always forget that I have Ryan and she doesn't have someone like that who is a constant in her life, so things are different. She is alone sometimes and I am never alone.

Anyway then we all met at Bennigans. I was nervous most of the time, I only ordered a salad because I didn't feel well and incase I had to leave I didn't want to have a whole meal coming. By the end of lunch I took a pill to calm me down and went home to sleep.

Earlier in the week I had promised my lab partner I would drive out to his house to study with him since he has a 98 or something in the class and I'm basically failing. I wasn't sure if I would be okay going out to his house since it is some 30 odd minutes away but I did it! I was nervous a little on the way there but the roads were pretty empty and there were lots of exits so I was put to ease. After I left there we met everyone at Muggswigz and I felt "normal". I noticed while shopping yesterday I don't really like crowds too much right now but being at Muggswigz wasn't so bad since I knew everyone there. I think one thing that makes me nervous about Muggswigz is the fact that they only have one bathroom (I'm a dork I know)

So I have been nervous off and on all weekend and my back is killing me from all the stress. I don't think I will be able to lift or carry anything at work this morning, hopefully I can get into the chiropractor right after work. Speaking of work I am insanely nervous to go to work today. I know that if I get nervous and want to leave while we are unloading the truck I won't be able to and that freaks me out, but luckily my job is a more independent thing in the fact that I can basically walk away at any time to go to the bathroom or get water. I think I will talk to Angie this morning though to give her a heads up. and I will probably call the doctor to see if he can up my medication after my chiropractor appointment.

I hate this so much, especially since I was so proud to finally be off Paxil and things seemed like they were going so well. Now the one thought in the back of my mind is West Virginia this summer. I really don't think I will be able to go and the thought of Ryan so far away makes me so nervous I honestly get sick to my stomach. I know it is not fair to ask him to stay but I really wish he would. I'm actually crying right now typing this. I hate that my "condition" effects other people the way it does. I don't want his life to suck because mine does, but I am scared to be here without him!

If you made it through this entire blog. I'm sorry and thank you!

Why I currently hate my job. . .

2008-02-20T04:13:00.002-05:00

WARNING: This is pretty much me just venting, A LOT

I have been sick since Sunday, I went downtown to get coffee and felt very drained by the time I came back so I took a nap. I know I take a lot of naps but I was seriously having trouble driving and keeping my eyes open the whole way home. When I woke up from my nap I was sick :(.

I'm not like terribly ill or anything I have the "common cold", which is pretty much me with a pounding head ache, blowing my nose ever 5 minutes, breathing like a 400 Lb man after doing very small physical activities, and throwing up because of the drainage from my nose. Anyway you're probably wondering how all this relates to me hating my job. I am pretty sure I got sick do to the SEVERAL people at work on Saturday who kept saying "I'm sick", "I've been sick for days", "Oh, I'm so sick", "Everyone I know is sick". And who can blame them for being there calling off is a very intimidating process not to mention hours are VERY tight so we take what we can get.

When I called off Tuesday morning I said "I'm really sorry I can't come in I don't feel well at all". There was no way I could do shipment with me blowing my nose every 5 minutes, plus should I be touching all that stuff while I'm sick? The response I got was "You can't come in at all shipment is really big". The only way I could negate this was to say "I've been throwing up for days". The manager then proceeded to tell me that if I called off again I would need a doctors note (what is this middle school?) This bothered me for several reasons.

Why would I pay $20 to go to the doctor if I know what is wrong with me in the 1st place.
There is no treatment for the "common cold" other than covering the symptoms up.
Considering I only had 3 hours last week that is basically enough to cover my co-pay.

So really the reason I am sick is probably because of work. It really bothers me that people aren't discouraged from going to work when they are sick since it makes EVERYONE ELSE SICK. I'm pretty sure if my manager knew I "only had" the common cold she's be upset I called off, even though it's the most contagious thing EVER (okay maybe not ever). So I'm due to work in a few hours and I'm still not sure if I should go. If I do go its going to be me blowing my nose ever 5 minutes without time to wash my hands (I will try to remember the Purel), then touching all the doors everyone else touches, ringing up people and touching all there stuff on a keyboard someone else will probably use later, if I'm in the fitting room someone is definitely going to get my cold since SO many people touch those door handles, which is probably how I got sick in the first place. If I was in a store and the person ringing me up or opening my dressing room was sick I'd be wondering why they were there, sick people should stay HOME away from school and work. Granted I did go to school yesterday but only because I'm paying to be there and I'm pretty much failing my class. But I washed my hands and used Purel, I sniffled instead of blowing my nose, I sat at a table by myself and tried not to touch anything that didn't belong to me.

If you made it this far and are still reading I'm sorry.

Time to Grow Up

2008-02-10T02:51:00.000-05:00

Once a month Ryan and I try to go through our online checking and see what all we spent, where we spent it, and who spent how much. . . My spending has definitely gotten more under control since we first got together, but it has plateaued. For some reason tonight when going through it, everything hit me and I have to admit I had some tears. I really do need to get my spending in control. The sad thing is this month I thought I did good, I didn't. I think a few of the reasons I feel so guilty this time around are that we now have a joint bank account so I'm not just spending my money. I don't work as much as him so I am mostly spending his money. He puts more than 50% of his money towards my debt. He spends 1/4 of the money I do which is amazing but I don't even have to pay for gas and he does. I understand his logic in helping me but I just can't help but feel bad.

Before we did our online budgeting thing Ann and I were on theknot.com looking at wedding things. After we were done budgeting though I realized how much I need to get myself together, how much I need to grow up. I thought I was ready to get married and I realized I'm not. I could marry Ryan on the basis of love right now but on my responsibility I couldn't. After dropping Ann off I went through all the responsibilities we will have when we are on our own that we don't have now, which is quite a long list.

1. Cars

2. Gas

3. Insurance

4. Mortgage

5. Pets

6. Heat

7. Electric

8. Groceries

9. Internet/Cable

10. Phone

11. Waste Management

12. Gym membership

I am sure I forgot quite a few things as well. . . So I am really going to try try try because It's the least I owe him.

10 things to 10 people

2008-02-04T03:59:00.000-05:00

1. Oh what would I do without you. From the very beginning I have said you were like the male version of me. However in all the time we have been together, I have realized we are actually so different, which is so wonderful because we have helped each other grow so much. It still baffles me how it feels like we have known each other forever, but it hasn't even been 3 years! I never thought i would find someone that makes me as happy as you do, who makes me smile so often, who helped me learn how to really live! I don't know what I would do without you and I don't even want to think about it. You really care about people, you would do anything to help someone who needed it. I can't believe the asshole with the batteries is my future husband :) he wasn't an asshole after all. You give me a reason to do my best in everything I do, to be safe, and best of all your someone I can share my dreams with! You taught me how to feel and now I cry like a baby, and I love it! I love that you kiss me on the forehead the way you do and that you mean it, and that you still find what seems like everything I do so cute! I really believe that with you by my side I could make it through anything. You help me see the wonderful, strong person I am inside and you are helping me bring it to the surface. I could go on for hours about you, so instead I will share these thoughts with you over the rest of our lives :) I love you so damn much. . you. . .

2. I have to say I am very happy that I have met you. You are a wonderful person to have in my life. You keep me accountable for many things, which I need. I only wish I had the self control you do. It always seems strange to me that the two of us ended up so close, considering how earlier in our lives we were so different. I was always worried you would judge me about my past, however you haven't even inquired about it. I hope that we stay close for a very long time, no matter where your live takes you I will always be here for you! The only thing I sometimes worry about is your genuinety (I made that word up) to yourself. It is so easy to worry about what others think or what everyone else is doing that we can sometimes forget who we are, it's something we have all done. Sometimes even by trying to be different we are really just trying to gain acceptance. I hope that you will always remember you are a wonderful person just the way you are, and anyone who doesn't see that, well thats their fault. I know I never tell you this but I do love you, feelings are just something we are awkward about when its with each other :).

3. Growing up you were always there for me, during my strongest and my most vulnerable times. Though for a few years it seemed like we would never get along, I grew up and realized you were right, and you have become my best friend. You are one of the strongest women I have ever known. I often wish you could relax and let go and enjoy life a little more. I know you are sometimes sad about where you are right now and I wish there was something I could do to help you, but I want you to know I don't think you have ever failed me, I only wish that one day I can be half the woman you are. I love you!

4. You will always be the number one man in my life. You are the most amazing man I have ever known! Everyday your courage, strength, faith, and commitment amazes me. You have put yourself on hold for the past 27 years so that we could have everything we needed. I wish I could spend more time with you because I never want to regret not knowing more about you. I could sit and talk with you for hours about anything, you are really one of the most interesting people I have ever known. I credit you for a lot of the character I have. You have always taught me to be strong and stand up for what is right and for what I believe in. I often feel that I am letting you down, and I feel terrible that you have given up so much to give me everything you never had, and I'm failing you. You have always been there for me, your love brings tears to my eyes. I love you more than I could ever tell you!

5. I wish that we could be closer. Most people in our situation are so close and I envy them! I'm not sure where things went wrong, but I wish I could go back and fix them. Maybe we don't have enough in common, or maybe we are too much alike, maybe in a few years things will be different but I will always be sad about all this time we missed out on. You have really grown up to be an amazing man. You are strong, good willed, smart, hard working, and very very funny! We have been through a lot though we never went through any of it together. I know we never show affection but I want you to know that I love you no matter how many times in the past I acted like I didn't or even told you I didn't.

6. You are such a strong woman. I wish I could talk to you more. Your live has been so hard, and you haven't deserved any of it. What amazes me the most is that you still have so much love and faith! I hope that one day you will be closer, and that we can spend hours together talking about your life. I know that she blames you and she probably always will, but I want you to know that I don't, not at all. I love you so much, we are so alike!

7. In a way we really grew up together. We went through so much together. You are one of the most interesting driven people I have ever known, and you have grown so much since the days we used to wash our cars in the driveway together. You really taught me how to love and care for someone. You were always there for me when things got bad, and they really got bad there for a while. I don't know I if I would have been able to have the strength you did. I sometimes think I might not be here if it weren't for the strength you had both for yourself and for me. Looking back I think I put you through too much, I didn't appreciate all that you did. You were such a gentleman, when I think about a lot of the things you did I wonder how I found it in myself to hurt you so much and wrong you the way I did. It has been hard not talking to you for all these years, though I understand and appreciate you for doing it. You will always be my first great love!

8. You were like a sister to me, and I don't know what happened. Somewhere we drifted apart and it makes me sad that I let it happen. I think in a lot of ways I pushed you away, and I'm not sure why. Although you don't think someone younger will ever teach you a lot, you taught me so much. You are the most kind, genuine, caring, faithful, strong, happy, energetic people I have ever known. You taught me how to really think and care for others. You still amaze me everyday in your strength and self discipline. I know I tease you for being a little air-headed but you are so smart! You are so creative and free spirited. You don't follow, you lead, and you don't even mean to which is the greatest part about it. I really hope that you and I can end up being close again, I miss you so much I'm actually crying right now. You always know how to make things better, how to make people smile, I love you so much or should I say :ear tug:.

9. You are one of the strongest young women I have ever known (and I feel so old saying that). Your life hasn't been easy at all, but you still have faith in people's good will and put them before you. If you had a dollar left and someone asked for it you would give it to them, thats just the kind of person you are. You have grown up so much so fast and I am so proud of how gracefully you have handled it! I don't know how you do it, I don't believe I could be as strong as you are in any situation. I look at you or think of you and I smile. I hope that we are in each others lives forever. (I guess soon there will be a contract binding that). You can read me like no one else can and I love you for it! Have I told you, that you are so strong? I really can't put the words together to describe how much you amaze me or how much I love you! I hope you know that if you ever need ANYTHING never be afraid to come to me!! I never had a sister (duh) but you have been like one to me and I hope I can repay you! I love you so much!

10. I know none of this is about to be very "jesus loving like" but. . .I hate you so much for everything you did. I despise you and you disgust me. I can't believe the mess you left everyone with. How many wonderful people you hurt. How selfish you were. I hope that you are rotting in hell, and I hope that none of us ever have to see you again!

Sleepless. . . again!

2008-02-04T03:49:00.000-05:00

Once again I can't fall asleep. It is 3:50AM. I work at 6, which means I have to be up at 5 something, at this point I am wondering if I should even bother going to sleep. Oscar seems restless too, he keeps wandering to different parts of my room to clean himself then he meows this meow which clearly states "I'm bored!". It was a good weekend. I would have to say the best part was babysitting Jack, though he did sleep the entire time. I am just so amazed by babies, they are so pure, so innocent, so helpless.

Things with school have been okay. I got my first A&P lecture test back and BOMBED it :(. I did get an A on my first A&P lab test though. I have realized that at this point in my life I still have NO CLUE how to study. Notecards are too time consuming for the amount of information I need to know in the short time periods I have to learn it. Hopefully I'll study with my lab group or at least Andy since he got a 98% on the lecture test. Chemistry seems easy so far. Which is really good in the fact that it will probably stay easy but really terrible in the fact that I probably won't learn much and I wont be in the best position when I take Chemistry 2 in the summer or fall.

Things with Ryan have been good. I still can't believe how much he makes me laugh/smile. How much I still enjoy seeing him! Lately it seems like maybe we spend to much time together in the sense that at the end of the night after being together for some 5 hours it feels like we haven't really been together. I'm not sure if that makes sense it is more of a quantity over quality situation that I think needs attended to.

Tonight my parents went over to his parents house for the Super Bowl, it was fun. I am amazed at how wonderful they get along. I suppose his mom is laid back a lot like mine and our fathers are a lot alike too! My mom loves Bella, and I think they took a liking to Chase. I really hope that when Ryan and I move out together we are able to take Chase! I can't imagine feeling "safe" at home when he's not there (I'm a baby like that).

I should probably go take a shower or do something productive. Productivity seems to well not be something i"m good at this weekend. I realized a New Year's Resolution I am definitely slacking on is self control. I have been eating god knows what and neglecting my studies. Tonight however I did delete all of the fast food numbers out of my phone, which should help with both money and eating better.

Sleepless In My Bed

2008-01-22T01:53:00.000-05:00

It is almost 2:00 AM and I can't sleep. I am due to be at work in 4 hours, which means I need to be up in 3. I didn't even nap today! I studied for 5 hours at Muggswigz then came home and studied for 2 more. I wish I could say I understand the Neural Integration and the Autonomic Nervous System more, but maybe when I re-read it.

I think the reason I am having trouble sleeping is this new medication. I used to take my anxiety medication at night, but since i was so tired all day so I thought it would be a good idea to take it in the morning. Except today I took it around 1:30 PM. I will try taking it tomorrow before work and see how that goes. I am really excited about this new medication. It is almost like a combination of Paxil and my ADHD medications combined. I haven't been anxious at all, and I have been able to concentrate much better! I am really excited to be off Paxil, I dropped down to 5mg on Saturday and I haven't felt any side effects yet, I am wondering if instead of waiting until March to stop if I should try it no, the sooner the better right? My doctor said to do it whenever I am ready but to try to go off my March 1st.

Mom starts her new job tomorrow. She is so cute, she got sick so she stayed in bed all weekend to make sure she would feel well. Tonight she was in and out of my room showing me outfits and looking through my closet. I think she is also awake. Oh she's so cute. I should probably try to sleep now, since I need to be up in 3 hours and 13 minutes :(

Kissing Teeth

2008-01-14T00:41:00.000-05:00

I should definitely be asleep right now since I work at 6 am tomorrow, but I can't sleep. I am yet again giddy by love. I am sure if anyone reads my blog often they are sick of all this "love talk" but I can't help it. Tonight was so much fun. This whole day was fun in fact.

I spent most of the day with Leanne and Catherine screen printing in the basement. I didn't actually screen print I did however cut out the design for my "Soon to be Mrs. Eisenbrei" hoodie which I'm excited about. It was nice to spend some girl time together. Then Leanne invited me to stay for family dinner, which was nice :). Although at times the noise was piercing (2 toddlers) I can't wait until we are at that stage in our lives. I can't wait to create a family of my own. Seeing happy married couples and babies gives me a boost when it comes to initiative and drive, because the sooner I finish school the sooner i can get married and co-habitate with Ryan, and we all know I can't wait to do that.

After I left Leanne's house I went to Ryan's. I asked him to wash my hair over the bath tub since I didn't want to wake up early tomorrow to do it. That was so much fun, I can't remember the last time I laughed so much. Then we played gin and laughed until our cheeks hurt. I am so fortunate to be with someone who still makes me laugh so hard and so often, someone who I can still have so much fun with. Although I love goodnight kisses, the only thing better is kissing teeth because you can't stop laughing.

One Constant

2008-01-13T03:30:00.001-05:00

I am yet again amazed by love. RIght now there is a lot going on in my life that isn't so wonderful. However being surrounded by positive people who genuinely care about me makes dealing with it a whole lot easier. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful people. I also feel guilty because my parents don't have anyone else to lean to, all they have is each other. Which is not a terrible thing some people aren't even that fortunate, I sometimes just wish they had friends. I have felt increasingly guilty leaving the house at night while my mom is watching TV in her room and my dad is downstairs watching TV by himself or doing a crossword. They are both such wonderful people and I wish they had others to spend time with. At the same time I wonder if it even bothers them. I think that having something to do would help get their minds off all the, for lack of a better word crappy stuff going on. At this point I am probably just rambling.

Church was good today. Something better than church was talking to my dad about church and serving before I left for the night. I know he is looking around for a church to become a part of and I hope that he will become active with RiverTree, although it may take some getting used to since it is a lot different than the strict Catholic church he grew up in I think he would learn to love it.

Life Is Beautiful

2007-12-31T01:58:00.000-05:00

As I typed that title I remember there is a movie I wanted to rent with the same title. I am listening to a wonderful song called "More Time", which reminds me of what a wonderful day I had with Ryan.

I had bought Ryan tickets to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra for his birthday back in November and today was the concert! I wasn't sure if I would be abel to make it up to Cleveland with my whole anxiety situation, but with some determination, positive thinking and prayer I did!

We drove up early and saw PS: I love you at Tower City. Although it was a bit of a chick flick the previews made it look less amazing than it actually was. I cried so many times during that movie! It was so touching and reminded me once again what a wonderful gift love is. Anyone who has seen this movie understands the impact it has, and how much it makes you appreciate the one you love.

The movie ended at 6:30 so we walked on over to the Q. I was anxious at first because they weren't letting people in so we were just standing there in a crowd of people for a while. Once we were inside I was fine. The concert was really impressive for the first half, then it got boring. We decided to leave early so we could beat traffic and end our boredom.

I am just so completely amazed and how in love I still am. I know I say this often but it still baffles me! I should probably go to bed since I am going to hang out with Leanne tomorrow. Which is when I will finish my Goals and Resolutions for '08.

New Years Resolutions 2008

2007-12-30T02:27:00.000-05:00

1. Be More Healthy

- Eat Better (less processed foods, more colors in the diet. . . eat the rainbow!)

- Exercise (3-5 times per week)

- Stretch everyday

- Practice better oral hygiene

- Eat out less (around 1 time per month unless its a special occasion)

- Leave for home by 12 midnight (unless its a special occasion or circumstance)

- Take less medication (get off sleeping pills)

- Get on a better schedule as far as sleep (fewer naps)

2. Be Better

- Make a better effort to go to church

- Complain less

- Stop gossiping

- Do better in school (Make the Dean's list)

- Get into Malone

- Be more creative

- Become a better listener

I am going to bed my computer has randomly turned off for the 2nd time today. . . So I am going to go read!

Big Girl Pants

2007-12-26T18:29:00.000-05:00

Today I put on my big girl pants and made a step towards my future. Ryan and I went to the bank to cash our Christmas checks then we decided that we should join our checking accounts. We have been on each other's accounts for some time however we decided to close his checking and savings so that we only have one :). We figure it will happen eventually and making steps like this prior to marriage will help in the transition. Only 996 days to go! So our plan of sharing one paycheck between the two of us and paying off debt with the other kicks in at the start of the year. . .

Almost time for Resolutions

2007-12-24T01:45:00.000-05:00

Ryan and I figured out a fun thing to do with the panoramic feature on the new camera.

The new year is almost here. I realized there are a few things I need to work on. Mostly my self control. I know every aspect of myself, my life etc that I need to change and how to change it I just don't try hard enough. I am not a very driven person, I have little to no self control therefore I think that will be my biggest resolution this year. Thanks to a very annoying woman at work I also think I might try to stop complaining (which I don't think I do very often). I will post my resolutions when it is closer to the new year.

Christmas Eve is tomorrow. (well technically its already here). I am excited. I know my mom is stressed out since my dad will be unemployed when the year starts. Which will be interesting to say the least. I am even more scatter minded than usual, I am sick :(. Hopefully I will feel better for Christmas festivities. I realized tonight that something I look forward to more than anything about christmas is spending the night at Ryan's house Christmas Eve. One of the few times we don't have to say goodbye!

It never gets old

2007-12-22T01:32:00.000-05:00

I am still happy that after all this time when I feel his arms around me or his lips on my head I still feel so in love, like we are truly meant to be. I was never sure I could feel so definite about something until now. I am so blessed to have found someone so wonderful to spend my life with. Although our life together has already begun I can't wait to start a family of our own, or at least go home to him every night, instead of having to say goodbye :(.

you are home to me

Precious Gift

2007-11-21T01:40:00.000-05:00

Although this is the third time I have been present for a birth this was definitely the most moving. The first time was spend in the waiting room the whole time, the second time outside the door during the birth was as close as I got, however this time I was abel to be there to support and help Jamie. No matter how many times I have seen this miracle I hope that I will always be in awe, even if i become a nurse who works in the delivery area.

Thinking about it right now slightly chokes me up.

After hours of labor and a c-section Jamie gave birth to Jackson the most adorable baby boy! I'm not saying that because he is my godchild I am saying that because he is perfect! I guess the reason for this blog is to let others know how deeply my life has changed from an emotional point of view. Looking back I realized I never used to laugh out loud, I was always self conscious of my birth mark, my laugh, my toes and so many more things. However since being with Ryan all of this has changed. I am more in love with myself than I have ever been (in a non-selfish way). And being at such peace with myself has allowed me to relate, love and care for others on a completely new level.

I remember during the first few months of our relationship after being intimate with Ryan or during I would break down into tears because I had never felt such strong feelings for someone, it wasn't even a conscious thing, tears would stream down my cheek giving me no notice whatsoever. After that I noticed even more that I was becoming more at ease with myself. I remember the night Ryan's sister Katie and her husband Mike told us they were pregnant with Bella. I got goosebumps, and i got teary eyed, which is something I had heard of people doing and always thought was weird. I never thought I would cry tears of joy for being so in love. I never thought I would cry when someone asked me to marry them but as soon as I had a slight indication as to what was going on when Ryan did I bawled my eyes out.

The reason I am thinking about all of this was that today during contractions when I saw the pain and fear in Jamie's eyes, even though at that time she wasn't letting on that she was worried, I got teary eyed for her. I have never been abel to put myself on the back burner long enough to feel those types of emotions towards someone else. I love it! Although some may see it as a weakness I see it as a great trait to have. I remember in HS having a friend who never cried in front of others and I made it my personal goal to do the same. I have tried to stick to this goal and I think it is important keep some emotion to yourself, when it is selfish emotion, however the emotions I felt today were amazing and I am so happy to share them.

I know this blog was random but I just needed to get it all out. . . . I am still amazed that I am the godmother of such a wonderful perfect baby!! and that i am lucky enough to share my life with such a wonderful man who will make a terrific father, who brings a smile to my face every time I think of him. I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends and family. I have never had friends like this before and I can't help but think it is because being with Ryan has made me a better person which enabled me to reach out and care for and be cared for by others.

Catching Up

2007-11-18T23:38:00.000-05:00

Wow. So much has happened since the last time I blogged. I feel like my life has really come together! Although I am tired I decided that I should probably at least start this entry while many of the feelings and memories are still fresh. School is going well! I am so proud of Ryan he has almost all A's he has really been working hard! I am finally engaged!! Which was the most amazing experience in and of itself. The engagement was amazing I could not have asked for a more perfect proposal! Last night was our engagement party. After everyone left we sat there and talked about how lucky we are to have such wonderful people in our lives. People who will always be there for us, who genuinely care about us, and believe in our happiness and love. People who traveled great distances to come share such an important milestone!

Spring cleaning.

2007-04-28T03:04:00.000-05:00

I decided that I have too much stuff. I don't use or wear half of my belongings so after the semester is over I am going to go through all my personal belongings and then take a trip or two to goodwill. I can't wait for the semester to be over so I can do that and read! I am a dork and I love to read but I can't do it during school because it ends up being another distraction, but I should probably go

Birthday

2007-04-26T01:32:00.000-05:00

Wow. I am now officially 22. Yesterday was my birthday and I must admit it might have very well been the best one ever. The celebration technically started on Friday when Ryan got people together to go “surprise bowling”. Then after we went to Jamie & Dan’s house.

I have felt so very loved the past year. I never had a lot of friends, which never seemed to bother me before. Over the past year or so I have stumbled into some amazing friendships! I used to say that friends were too much work, I have realized now that I was wrong. Friends are not really work at all if you truly care for someone you never grow tired of being there for them!

I just feel that recently my life has all come together very well and I am so grateful! I am also very excited that Jesus has become a part of my life. It is amazing to be surrounded by people who genuinely care about you, even more so living life in such a positive way. I look at most people my age and they are living their life to the fullest, however I would rather spend time getting to know people, being there for people I love than drinking and other such mischief.

This has turned into quite some babbling, I should probably just stop tying. One more thing, I feel so lucky to be accepted into Ryan’s family, they are so amazing! I can actually feel love from them and know that they really do love me and are happy that Ryan and I will be together, for good!

I will type more when I feel better.

Depressed

2007-04-02T03:01:00.000-05:00

Okay so pretty much for the past ummm 5 years of my life i have felt the same. I mean i am happy sometimes, i am happy when i am with ryan or with friends, but i am not really really happy. I know that i have a WONDERFUL life I am so lucky to have all the things i have. Both posessions and people. However I always feel the same, mostly numb. I don't really smile, i am never so happy i could jump up and down. I feel like i have no direction, like i dont know what i'm doing that i am mostly just here. I have trouble sleeping and often just feel sick. I have a constant head ache, i am nauseaus dizzy, i feel disconnected. I am pretty sure i could win the lotto and i would just be happy that i dont have to work or worry about what to do with my life. I dont think i would even be that happy. i have trouble concentrating, thinking, making decisions, participating in life. I am on an anti-depressant and have been for like 5 years but it was given to me for anxiety and i think that i have depression too but that this drug is not treating it. I dont think my depression is osmething mental i believe that it is all chemical. I feel this way because i KNOW that I should be happy, that i am lucky, that i have a wonderful life. I think i am going to ask my mom to make me an apt with a doctor to get me off of this medication, because i would do anything to simply just feel. I know that what i am feeling is not normal i have just lived with it for the past 5 years or so. I think that if i go see someone and get on something else i will be able to get off my sleeping pills, to have ambition and be happy. i jsut want to feel. I honestly dont even really feel excitment, pain, hurt, sadness, dissapointment. I feel numb physically and mentally. I have no energy no matter how much i sleep, i never feel good.
whenever i say i am happy about something, i dont even really feel happy i just know that i should feel happy. one thing i do know for sure is that once i feel normal i can't wait to live the rest o fmy life with ryan, and to have wonderful friends like leanne that i can feel with.
this was mostly just a lot of random babble i feel like i just need to put it down. i know that it wontmake me feel better, but i just feel like i owe an explination of why i'm always so "distant".

Not such a great day.

2007-03-30T13:00:00.000-05:00

So. Last night was fairly stressful. I had a lot of math homework to catch up on and that stressed me out. I decided I would take a long break and finish today. I left Ryan's house and on my way home found a stray dog running up and down Applegrove. I tried several times to get it to come to me so I could put him/her in my car and figure out something else to do with him/her. My main concern was just getting the dog away from such a busy road, especially since people drive 60mph. The dog was scared and ended up running away so I couldn't find it. I hope it's okay! Then I decided I should drive by Matt's apartment since no one has heard from him in a few days. I texted him and Ryan had called earlier that night but no response. I drove by around 1:30am and he wasn't there. So I drove by iHop and he wasn't there either. I tried texting him again today and no response.

I ended up working till around 4:30am. I couldn't sleep mostly because Ryan's sister took my favorite baby name, the one Ryan and I have been planning on using for over a year, Grace. :(. I love that name so much especially since Ryan calls me Grace and even more so since Christ has played a bigger part in my life. I still want to name my future daughter Emma Grace though. I am sure his sister would be upset, but I'm upset too. Ryan told me not to tell her that she stole our name, but I just want to make sure she knows that she will have a neice named Emma Grace. Oh well I am going to lie down i'm tired.

Sex God Part 3: For women

2007-03-22T00:49:00.001-05:00

Page 124

:Your strenght is a beautiful thing. And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with the honor and dignity that are yours, it forces the men around you to relate to you on more than just a flesh level.

You are worth dying for.

If you're dating someone, what kind of man is he? Does he demonstrate that he's the kind of man who would die for you? What is his posture toward the world? Does he serve, or is he waiting to be served? Does he belive that he's owed something, that he's been short changed, that he's gotten the short end of the stick, that life owes him something? Or is he out to see what he can give? Does he see himself as being here to make the world a better place?

These are the big questions that you need to ask yourself.

Take him to a family reunion. Do some sort of service project with him. See how he interacts with people he doesn't like.

Does he have liquid agape running through his veins?

A friend of mine was engaged to a man, and some of ther friends were not excited about them getting married. As te wedding day approaced, one of ther friends decided to say something to her. He said, "When a woman is loved well, she openes up like a flower".

She broke off the engagement soon afterward. In one brilliant sentence, her friend taught her what agape is and what it isn't.

What does he expect of you? Does he expect you to sleep with him whe he hasn't committed to you forever? Does he want all of you without his having to give all of him?

Can you tell anything? Is he safe? Can he be trusted?

Can you open up to him, allowing yourself to be vulnerable, knowing that he will protect, not exploit, that vulnerability?

Are you opening up like a flower?:

After looking back at failed relationships of my own and of my friends I have realized that the man they were in love with did not posess these qualities. Friends who have had crushes on people, friends who I KNOW are worth dying for have been interested in the most vain men. I hope that if anyone is questioning whether or not they should be in a relationship or persue someone that this may too help.

Sex God Part 2 (Part 1 is in draft process).

2007-03-22T00:30:00.000-05:00

If anyone has read this book they know how amazing it is. Although I am currently working on a blog with all the parts I underlined while reading, this part deserves its own post.

The reason this part of the book is going to be posted on its own is for two reasons. One being whenever I am tempted this is something I would like to find easily, and two whenever anyone else may be tempted I hope that they will refer to this.

This is in the "section" titled Dark To Light Page078

:To be free from lust, we have to move from being darkened in our understanding to be enlightened in our understanding. And to be enlightened, we have to ask lots of questions about the things we crave;

What is this craving promising?
Can it deliver?
Is this about lust or something else?
What is the lie here?
Where is the good in this person or thing?
Where is the good that has been distorted?
What good thing has God made here that has been hijacked?
Have I been tempmted like this before?
Have I given in before?
What was it like?
Did it work?
Was I more satisfied or more empty?
What will the moment, the morning, or the week after be like?
Is there a pattern here?

Maybe the most pwerful thing we can do is simply pray, "God, give me eyes to see the lie here".:

Hopefully someone else will find this helpful.

Sex God

2007-03-14T16:15:00.000-05:00

I have finished Sex God and I thought I would type out all the parts I found interesting enough to highlight to share with everyone else, though I think everyone should read this book!

:This God doesn't need temples and holy sites and rituals. This God will speak to anybody, anywhere, anytime.:

:The problem is that "that" is actually a "she". A person. A woman. With a name, a history, with feelings. It seems harmless until you're that girl - and then it hurts. It's degrading. It's violating. It does something to a person's soul.:

:Think about the expression "for the hell of it". When someone says "for the hell of it," what they mean is that whatever is being discussed was done or said for no apparent reason. It was, in essence, pointless. Random. And God is for purpose and beauty and meaning.:

:Sometimes hellish - happens when people are treated as objects, and we should resist it at all costs.:

:We struggle in our connection with the earth, in our connections with each other, and with being connected with ourselves.:

:You can't be connected with God until you're at peace with who you are. If you're still upset that God gave you this body or this life or this family or these circumstances, you will never be able to connect with God in a healthy, thriving, sustainable sort of way. You'll be at odds with your maker. And if you can't come to terms with who you are and the life you've been given, you'll never be able to accept others and how they were made and the lives they've been given. And until you're at peace with God and those around you, you will continue to struggle with your role on the planet, your part to play in the ongoing creation of the universe. You will continue to struggle and resist and fail to connect.:

:Denying and stuffing and repressiong never work because It's a failure to acknowledge what is central to being a human being.:

:In the creation poem of Genesis 1, God creates animals before humans. And somethign significant happens in the creation of people that doesn't happen in the creation of animals: people are created in God's image. We have a spiritual dimension to us that animals don't have. Some call this consciousness, others an awareness of "more," otehrs call it transendence. However it's described, the writer of Genesis wants us to see the distinction between what it means to be human and what it means to be an animal.

Have you ever seen a dog concerned that its life just isn't going anywhere?

A cat reflecting?

A horse not feeling centered?

Animals have a physical body but no spirit.: (though i like to believe that oscar, mila, chase and reuben do).

:In reaction to denial, people often head to the other end of the spectrum, which is indulgence. The pendulum swings. But we were created to live in the tension. And when you loose the tension, you lose something central to what it means to be human.:

:Living like angles can be just as destructive as living like animals.:

:You are not alone. Whatever you struggle with, whatever you have questions about, you are not alone. It doesn't matter how dark it is or how much shame or weakness or regret it involves, you are not alone.:

:Lust can drive us to do frightening things. It can own us, it can take up massive amounts of head space, and it can make us miserable.

And once in a while, lust may even have something to do with sex.:

:Lust is slavery:

:And when we're right back where we started. We're momentarily satisfied, and then we exerience letdown because it didn't deliver what it promised.:

:Lust promises what it can't deliver.:

:How can you make your life about this so that you won't be tempted to give into this?:

:Love is handing your heart to someone and taking the risk that they will hand it back because they don't want it. That's why it's such a crushing ache on the inside. We gave away a part of ourselves and it wasn't wanted: SO TRUE

:Love is giving up control. It's surrendering the desire to contgrol the other person. The two - love and controling power over the other person - are mutually exclusive. If we are serious about loving someone, we have to surrender all of the desires within us to manipulate the relationship:

:His entire lif is about the stripping way of power and control. Jesus always chooses the path of love, not power.

Inclusion, not exclusion.
Connection and solidarity rather than rank and heirarchy
Touch rather than distance
Compassion rather than control
He comes on a donkey, not a horse
Weeping and broken, not proud and triumphant:

:Because people are worth dying for. We know it to be true deep in our bones. And when we see someone actually do it, it's overwhelming.

Jesus said in one of his teachings that there's no greater love a person can have than to lay down their life for another.

We know this to be true.

People are worth dying for.:

:What if the woman, the one with the husband who constantly dissapoints her, what if she treated him as if he already were the man she wishes he was? What if she agapes him exactly as he is, today, with all of his flaws? If you are him, which ismore motivating: being reminded of all your failures and shortcomings, or being loved as if you're a great man?:

:You don't need to give yourself away to someone who won't give himself to you. You don't need to use your body to get what you need. It's a cop out for not being a certain kind of woman - a woman of dignity and honor.:

:But sex is not the search for something that is missing. It's the expression of something that's been found. It's designed to be the overflow, the culmination of something that a man and a woman have found in each other. It's a celebration of this living, breathing thing that's happening between the two of them.:

:A marriage is between those two people, not us. It's not ours, it's theirs. Especially when it comes to sex.:

:What goes on between them is a profound mystery. The mystery of the mingling of souls. What goes on under the chuppa belongs to that man and that woman. When it is shared with others, it no longer belongs to them exclusively. And its power is decreased. Because the power of their coming together is rooted in their chose to give themselves to each other and to no one else in this particular way.

Out of six billion people on the planet, I choose you. And no one else. No one else gets this. No one else gets me in this specific, holy, sacred, emotional, spiritual, and physical way.

Its power is derived from its exclusivity.

That's why wedding ceremonies stir us like they do. The bride comes down the aisle and gives herself to this man and no one else. They have something with each other that they have with no one else.

We have to be very careful what we share. Because when you give it away, you no longer have it.:

:A friend of mine is a doctor who specializes in marriage and relational issues. He says he can tell in a couple of seconds whether a marriage will last. Seriously, a couple of seconds. This is a science thing called slicing, and he's incredibly accurate in his predictions. He says it's all about respect. How he looks at her. How she looks at him. He insists that a few seconds of observing how a couple looks at each other is all he needs to know if the marriage will make it.:

:When our trust has been betrayed and those who were supposed to stand by us don't, this naturally has consequenes for how we think about God. It becomes hard to trust that God is good when our signigicant relationships simply aren't that good.

A marriage is designed to counter all of this. Not add to the brokenness of the world but to add to the "oneness" of the world. This man and this woman who have given themselves to each other are supposed to give the world a glimpse of hope, a display of what God is like, a bit of enchanted on earth.:

:It's easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit

and thoughts

and fears

and future

and hopes

and dreams. . .

that is being naked.:

Wow re-reading and typing that really reminds me how amazing that book is.

Things are looking up. . .

2007-03-11T16:43:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged in a while, so I figured I would do so before I start my studying for the night. I haven't really been studying a lot the past few days, I suppose two all nighters at work will do that to you. I am still not sure how I feel about this whole spring foward thing. Though I am sure I would probably be a lot more bitter if it wasn't sunny outside (I am wearing capris!).

Anyway the whole "my life is going nowhere" is looking up. After a little research I have decided to go to Brown Mackie after this semster is over. I will be hopefully starting in May. They have a 15 month LPN program. LPN wasn't really what I wanted to do but it is much easier to go from an LPN to an RN at stark state instead of waiting till god knows when (2010 or so) to get into the nursing program. So hopefully all of this will work out.

Wow getting back on a good note with people really makes me feel good. After months of bickering I am okay with Brandi (Blake's girlfriend). I am glad she understands I dont look at Blake like that anymore, he was just someone I go to know a lot during an interesting time in my life. I remember a few months ago going to Alliance to see if there was any flame left with him and I realized how he brings out the bad side of me. I immediately wanted to smoke and drink when I saw him and I did. Which of course isn't good!

Things with Ryan are going good. It feels like we are kind of at a stand still though. Sometimes I feel like everything is set that he is my future and other times I just worry that I am close to dissapointment again. I dont know, only time will tell, I should get back to studying, well start studying, hopefully leanne will be here soon!

Funny Feeling

2007-02-02T04:15:00.000-05:00

So it is 4:05am. I have yet to go to sleep. I am going to try my best after this post because I do have two classes tomorrow. Anyway I realized today how inaccurate my preception of myself is. I still think I'm skinny and its depressing. I think that the reason I have so much trouble losing weight is because when I picture myself I am still small, though I don't know how to change that. I am doing my best, though I ahd ice cream today. . a kids size at least!
Family dinner was fun. It's going to be weird not having Justin in the same city or state really. I mean I guess I didn't see him a lot when he was in town but it was always nice to know he was right down the street! I am so proud of him though. Its nice to see his life has turned around and he also has such a wonderful girlfriend! I hope they end up together she is good for him he seems to have actually "grown up" and matured a lot since they have been together!
Today I was on facebook and i noticed that Ghita approved me as his friend. It is so weird seeing pictures of him. I don't still have feelings for him but I suppose I never had complete closure. It is odd to see him in pictures with other girls. I am not used to it since we haven't really talked since the break-up except for that one time at the mall. I can't explain the feeling I got when I saw his picture, it was just like I was looking into a past life, which I suppose is what happened. I see pictures of him on my computer a lot but that doesn't make me feel any different because in a strange way it is like the person in those pictures doesn't exist anymore. Seeing new pictures of him reminds me that he does exist.
I am glad he is doing well though. He seems to be traveling A LOT which is good since it is his favorite thing to do. I can only hope that sometime I get over my fear to fly and drive and travel. I would really like to go visit my grandmother! Well I am going to try to go to bed. I just thought It was wierd how i felt when I saw him. At least I know that a life with him would have not worked out and I am pretty sure Ryan is the one for me. . . speaking of which I was on facebook and yet ANOTHER person I was friends with in HS has graduated! crazy.
By the way I also feel very shitty by the fact that I am SOOOO behind in school. I feel like a BIG loser. I should be graduating at the end of this semester :(.

It's on

2007-02-01T01:43:00.000-05:00

After a day of spending way too much money on stupid things I don't need I decided I most definately need to start putting my goals into action. I didn't spend like an ungodly amout of money but I spent more than I needed to. Quite frankly I don't think I needed to spend money on anything today, except for maybe ONE drink at Muggswigz. I really do have a problem, I don't know how to deal with it. I think I may ask Matt if there are any programs out there for people with shopping addictions. I don't think this is something I can do on my own.
So tomorrow I am going to start by not spending money on things I do not need, I am also not going to let Ryan spend money on things either. I am also going to try to drink nothing but water, juice, milk and maybe tea. I am also not going to eat ice cream for a month (unless it is a VERY special occasion). I am going to try to go to the gym at least 3 times a week. Monday ane Wednesday for sure, then Friday or Saturday too!
I am going to spend my free time studying or working out. I am going to put in more hours at work because my check this week is going to be small.
I am getting very tired though so I suppose I should go to bed. I hate waking up early (9am) as soon as my alarm goes off I feel like i have honestly just gone to sleep.

Some Personal Goals

2007-01-29T20:56:00.000-05:00

After stumbling across 43things.com I have realized how many people have personal goals. I have also had quite a force in my life and by force I mean seeing how much self-control Leanne and Matt have. There are a lot of things I wish to accomplish and after seeing how wonderful they are and how "normal" their lives are I realized that I too can do this. And what would be a better time than when I have both of them in my life to help me?

So here is a list of the goals I wish to accomplish along with benefits of doing so, ways to do it, and "punishments" for doing it. If you have any comments or suggestions please feel free to let me know! I might want to add that these goals are in no particular order.

Spend less money --> Paying off bills
ways to spend less money. . .
1. Only purchase food when we all eat out once a week, or buy something small like a side salad.
2. Only buy one drink at Muggswigz each visit and keep it cheap!
3. Don't buy clothes instead when the urge to splurge comes go to work and make more money!!
4. Exercise when the urge comes (this will help me fit into all the clothes I have piled around the house).
5. Volunteer when bored (it helps others)
6. Study when you feel like shopping!

Become more healthy --> Workout more --> Eat better --> Get off medications --> Better sleep schedule
1. Eating out less will help.
2. Working out 3 times a week (at least)
3. Park further away (unless it's bitter cold)
4. Use stairs instead of elevator!
5. Walk puppies at the humane society
6. Only eat Coldstone once a week
7. Eat breakfast
8. Eat the rainbow!

Help out Mom and Dad
1. Stop texting so much.
2. Use money for gas so they don't have to

Some other short term goals.
1. Get into nursing school
2. Learn CPR
3. Get baptized
4. Vet. assistant

I am sure there will be plenty more to come, but Leanne is finally done with her Greek homework so she is going to show me how to use this site more!